listen: there's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go.

i just finally finished my web site. it was going to be many things, and in the future may be many things, but for now, it's primarily for my photos. it's for a school project for the moment, but it'll stay on and expand after that, i'm sure.

mute memories

please take a look, let me know what you think. i'd really appreciate some feedback.

it's december, the definite heart of a winter that's clamped down on me subtly when i sleep. right now it's the heart of december and it's just turning. so really, the heart of winter. i'm glad i have these personal footnotes, they really help a great deal in figuring when i'm digressing.

if i were to do a self-portrait of myself this time last year, it'd be of a piece of straw. this december it'd be a sand bag after a rain.

it's not exactly to the point where the sight of a dead wet leaf in a ditch makes me cry. i feel like it's almost at that point though in contrast. i'm level in some places, suddenly spilling over the rim of the glass in others. there's no tragedy in saying goodbye for just a few weeks, give me a break.

but then i start feeling that i understand waking up alone with aching muscles, and really really wish i'd packed my nurse bag at 1:30 this morning and just strolled out the door.

as a sidenote, there are much more important things than dwelling in suspicions of inadequacy and i should remember that more often. i have nothing to complain about.

i find it pretty silly most of the time when people constantly change their journals, but i really want to switch right now just because i want the name "tweedish".

so that's where i am now.
tweedish

the best picture of marque.
ever.
july, 2004.

ça te dit d'aller danser dans des champs de canne à sucre.

i can't drink these days without having it effect me much more than usual. i got a horrible headache on thursday from a single gin & tonic, got really silly from a little champagne on my birthday and just a little wine last night had me limp as a rag doll.

(not a lush, i swear)

so i bought some clothes at value village, found a fucking giorgio armani blazer-jacket thing on the 50% off sale day and bought it for hannah. fi made me birthday diner and the best birthday cake in the world, lemon with lemon frosting to go with my current lemon-craze.



boogie nights is a crazy movie.
richard pryer is funny.
ju-on was fucking creepy.

oh and i never posted about how redmond is the devil's town and how easy it is to get lost there. but phil (the microphones, mount eerie, whatever) and mirah are fun.



phil.

you aren't just a passing
point in my proximity, but
if i were hula hooping
or unicycling
you might be

just counting the tick marks
until you can pick the dirt
from my scalp
tomorrow afternoon
-- a mangled patch of weeds

a spot of mangled earth
to count the inconspicuous
coils
from belly buttons
to making inanimate objects
squeak just
as hard.

today
is my 18th birthday.

brian.
october 21, 2004.

brad and olyvia and i went to seattle yesterday and took a bus to the international district where every bank teller speaks both english and some asian language, ate at uwajimaya's and had coconut milk tea. took another bus and sat in a small alcove at the front of the line at the paramount for a long time. hail social sucked, the secret machines had their moments.

interpol made me feel like i experienced the biggest emotional trauma of my life and came to a cleansing resolution. i wanted to cheer for them, really i did, but i think it would've just come out "ohhh, fuck!" which they actually probably would've appreciated. brad and i were discussing how we're both norweigan between songs and then they started playing leif erikson - it was very appropriate. i was right at the rail, and i'll risk sounding like a teenybopper by saying paul banks made eye contact with me - like, intense.

one word review of interpol live: fuck.

after that walked to the ferry with brad and talked about life. sherman picked me up in bainbridge, went to spend the night with him and geneva, had a beer and talked some more. geneva was talking in her sleep. i don't remember falling asleep. watched fear and loathing in las vegas this morning and loved it.

now i need to shower so i can be ready to leave to meggie's party in a half hour.

self-actualization -- tariffs -- minimalism -- weird drawings -- notdrinkingnotsmokingnodetressdetoxnothing -- birds come and then they leave -- have to talk with the state about health insurance -- writing an essay for the ayn rand deal -- brautigan, capote, francais, fitzgerald, various short stories, some book on the sexual abuse of children -- realizing i'm of the latter sort -- aspirations: lapush & hotsprings -- passing classes, grade A -- diminuative -- no, well, & yes -- sendmeyouraddress&i'llsendapostcard -- subliminal advertising what-have-you -- uhm, yeah.

as JC would put it, "keeping it vertical"

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying -
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

i am naive and it does not bother me. i sometimes confuse having feelings for a boy with simply having good feelings about people again, and while i've not always believed it i've always known it and have not tried to steer myself from this conception. i'm no longer looking for confirmation. by moving through periods of time and adjusting and acknowledging my self is no longer a thing of shame and i trust. i enjoy.

i'm telling about the time never land lay between a sea stone
and burial grounds.

i've realized that i'm outgrowing a lot of the social phobias i had. i never had good friendships when i was little, but i didn't really understand what good friendships were and because i was so close to my mom then it was just bad, i was attracted to mussed people who took advantage of me. mom used me as a teddy bear you know, and gave me candy when i cried and left me alone for long periods of time. i was just so skewed from the perspective she fed me - a severe manic depressive and was hit by a car when she was 4 years old that put her in a concussion for a few weeks and left a small cyst in her brain as a souveneir and she's been 4 years old since.

i was afraid of natural disasters. i lost sleep at night. experienced dread.

my mom told me when i was 12 i could have sex whenever i wanted and told me just to make sure to tell her about it, the same woman who haunted churches and copied psalms on notecards to hand out to trick-or-treaters.

what i meant by figuring myself out was, now that i'm away from her i'm starting to realize a lot of the things i thought were my fault were really just the extra responsibilities i took on because i had to, and thought they were mine to bear. i kind of went through a breakdown when i was 16, and i finally understand why. i was starting to understand i was different than a lot of people, and that i wasn't able to be as selfish for myself as other people can be as a basic right and i suddenly resented my family for the way it was and i resented myself most of all and i didn't want to see anyone and absolutely everyone made me feel inferior. i went to a counselor, had awful fights with my dad, that was when my mom started being violent with me.

it was me deconstructing. it put a lot of extra weight on my dad, he was already doing so much and it was too much for him to bear, me seemingly going crazy too. he got really angry in reaction and our relationship was really damaged. i stayed home from school all the time, when i almost dropped out in sophmore year. it drove my family insane, my mom had panic attacks because i wasn't going to finish high school, yadda yadda. my dad was always the middleman between my mom and i. my mom and i don't have a respectful relationship but we both respected him very much. i was mean. i was vicious. i was really horrible. i said a lot of things i meant, but didn't mean cruelly. he saw them cruelly. it crushed him that our relationship went down so badly because it was sustaining. you know, mom and him never had a good relationship but he's such a good man he had to help her.

he never left her because he couldn't bear the thought of what would happen to her on her own, even for our good.

and i know a large part of the reason i don't just up and go, leave her completley, cut her off, is because he loved her so much. even if she took advantage of him. she probably doesn't know better either. he would have been devastated and guilty forever for leaving her in such a state. my grandparents feel the same way, even when she does horrible things to me.

somehow i feel if i spell myself out, even though i need to, there'll be nothing left to love. because boys love mystery. so i've heard.

people of substance are the kind i've lacked in friendship and i realize that, now.


' "Well," she said, "I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two go together. When people as your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane. Isn't this a nice time of night to walk? I like to smell things and look at things, and sometimes stay up all night, and watch the sun rise." '

- clarisse mcclellan

examen (redaction) en francais demain. je t'aime mes amies beaucoup. je suis bien aujourd'hui, le douleur en ma dent est allé. c'est un soulagement. je parlé avec mon professeur et il changé le note pour la classe. d'abord, j'ai allé pour une visite avec mon doctor. enfin, j'ai allé a l'école pour deux examens et étudier comme une dingue. tres fatiguée, je regarde le lit avec désir.

interpol at the paramount november 9th.
the microphones & mirah & tara jane o'reilly at the redmond firehouse november 6th.
the magnetic fields or david sedaris november 12th.
pinback at the showbox november 23rd.
i'd like to make all of these. chances are won't happen.

danny's doing better. he was very sick, he developed a fever of 106, which is close to the body's breaking point of 106.4. for a while it wasn't certain but he's looking to be in better health within a week.

except he probably won't be visiting next weekend.

i'm hoping i can go to port townsend with miss black.
i could use an excursion.

the thunder clouds broke up and rain dried up the lightning let up the clacking shutters just shut up there's no black or white no change in the light no night no golden sun the sound of cars the smell of bars the awful feeling of electric heat and the florescent lights their sacrifice there's hard feelings there's pointless waste

i want wind
to blow
my clothes
off and sweep
me off my
feet, take me up
and bring me back

--i want wind to blow

my good friend danny forman moved to san francisco for college after he graduated this last spring. just recently he discovered he has leukemia, a very treatable variety, but leukemia nonetheless.

his condition has been fluctuating. a couple of days ago he was doing really well, today we found out that he's really sick and has been in intensive care since yesterday.

i'm not particularly religious, and i know a lot of you aren't either, but please say a prayer for danny.

rick sent me flowers. they smell really good, thank you. i had a dream the night before i was at an absurdly fancy party and i had roses in my dress. maybe i'm psychic.

all 4 wisdom teeth came out last friday and i've been mostly sleeping since then. and instead of being glad i had a reason to rest for so long i feel like it was a big waste of time.

i didn't realize it would be so long before i can eat solid foods again without injuring myself. my diet has consisted of apple sauce, yogurt and mashed potatoes since friday and will probably stay the same for at least another week.

at danny's advice (since variety is the spice of life) i add cinnamon to my applesauce.

had an allergic reaction to percocet (the suck) and had to switch to vicodin. the percocet didn't help with the pain, it just made me stupid. and swollen. the vicodin helps with the pain and makes me stupid.

going back to school tomorrow. i'm going to be irritable as fuck.
least i have reason to tell the teachers to leave me alone.